Meeting your partner's family in Spanish: usted or tú, the kisses, what they will ask, and the words for in-laws in Mexico, Spain, Colombia and Argentina
You have about four seconds at the door to get the first two decisions right: tú or usted, and kiss, handshake or both. After that comes a whole day of food, questions about your job, and a family tree you have no words for. Below: the greeting, what to call them, the questions they will ask, how to praise the house and the cooking, what to bring, and the words for every in-law, with the Mexico, Spain, Colombia and Argentina versions of each.
Tú, usted or vos with the parents
This is the one thing learners get wrong, and it is the one thing the parents notice.
| Mexico | Spain | Colombia | Argentina | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| First meeting | usted | tú | usted | vos |
| After they invite you | tú, once they say so | tú throughout | often still usted | vos throughout |
| The invitation to switch | Háblame de tú. or Tutéame. | rarely needed | Trátame de tú. | rarely needed |
| What sounds wrong | tú to a mother-in-law you just met | usted, which makes her feel old | tú from a stranger | usted, which sounds like a bank |
Mexico. Start with usted: Mucho gusto, señora. ¿Cómo está usted? Stay there until someone tells you not to. Mexican mothers-in-law often say háblame de tú within the hour. Aunts and uncles keep usted longer than the parents do.
Spain. Use tú. Parents in their fifties and sixties expect it, and they can take usted as cold or as a comment on their age. Hola, encantado. ¿Qué tal? is the whole opening.
Colombia. Usted, and keep it. Colombians use usted inside their own families, between spouses, and with their own children, especially in Bogotá and Antioquia. Few families will offer you the switch. On the Caribbean coast tú is more common, so follow your partner.
Argentina. Vos, almost at once. Hola, ¿cómo andás? Un placer. Usted to a father-in-law in his sixties sounds stiff. If he is well over seventy, open with usted and he will wave it away.
If you are not sure, listen to how your partner speaks to their own parents and copy the form, one step more formal.
The kisses and the handshakes
| Mexico | Spain | Colombia | Argentina | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Woman greeting anyone | one kiss, right cheek | two kisses | one kiss | one kiss |
| Man greeting a woman | one kiss, or a handshake if she offers it | two kisses | one kiss, or a handshake | one kiss |
| Man greeting a man | handshake, often with a shoulder hug | handshake, hug if close | handshake | one kiss |
A few things visitors find surprising.
Argentine men kiss men. Father-in-law, brother-in-law, cousins, all of them, one kiss on the cheek, at hello and at goodbye. Refusing it is the strange move.
In Spain it is two kisses, and the count is fixed. Right cheek first, then left, never one and never three. They are air kisses with the cheeks touching.
You greet everyone, one by one. A room of eight relatives means eight greetings. People take a wave at the doorway as rude in all four countries, and the same applies on the way out.
What to call them
| You want to say | Spanish | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Sir / madam | señor / señora | The safe opening everywhere, with or without the surname |
| Don Carlos, Doña Marta | don Carlos, doña Marta | First name with respect. Warm and everyday in Mexico and Colombia, older and more formal in Spain, used in Argentina mostly for people over seventy |
| My father-in-law | mi suegro | Say it about him, not to him |
| My mother-in-law | mi suegra | |
| My in-laws | mis suegros | Both parents together |
| The in-laws generally | la familia política | Spain and Argentina most |
Nobody is called suegra to her face. You call her señora, then doña Marta, then Marta, and you move along that line only when she moves you. Families in Mexico and Colombia wait longest, and doña plus the first name is the comfortable middle step. In Spain and Argentina people go to first names on the first visit.
Some Mexican and Colombian families use mamá and papá for the in-laws once a couple is married. Wait to be asked.
The whole family, named
| English | Spanish | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| father-in-law / mother-in-law | el suegro / la suegra | |
| brother-in-law / sister-in-law | el cuñado / la cuñada | Your partner’s siblings, and your siblings’ spouses |
| son-in-law | el yerno | |
| daughter-in-law | la nuera | |
| your parents and your partner’s parents, to each other | los consuegros | No English word for it. Used constantly |
| your sibling-in-law’s spouse | el concuñado / la concuñada | |
| grandparents | los abuelos | |
| aunt and uncle | los tíos | The plural covers the pair |
| cousin | el primo / la prima | |
| nephew, niece | el sobrino, la sobrina | |
| godfather, godmother | el padrino, la madrina | |
| your child’s godparents, to you and to each other | el compadre, la comadre |
Compadre is the bond between a child’s parents and that child’s godparents, and in Mexico and Colombia it is a real relationship with obligations attached. In everyday Mexican and Colombian speech it also means a close male friend, shortened in Mexico to compa. People in Spain and Argentina use it far less.
Consuegros comes up the moment the two families meet: mis papás quieren conocer a sus consuegros, my parents want to meet yours.
What they will ask you
Expect direct questions. In all four countries, asking a guest about their work, their family and their plans is hospitality, not interrogation.
| You will hear | It means | Where |
|---|---|---|
| ¿A qué te dedicas? / ¿A qué te dedicás? | What do you do for a living? | Everywhere. The dedicás form is Argentina |
| ¿Y tu familia? ¿Tienes hermanos? | And your family? Any siblings? | Everywhere |
| ¿Y piensan casarse? | Are you thinking of getting married? | Everywhere, often at the table, often with everyone listening |
| ¿Para cuándo los nietos? | When are the grandchildren coming? | Mexico, Colombia, Argentina. Usually a joke, asked seriously |
| ¿Eres católico? | Are you Catholic? | More likely in Mexico and Colombia than in Spain or Argentina |
| ¿Cuáles son tus intenciones con mi hija? | What are your intentions with my daughter? | A joke nearly every time. Laugh, then answer warmly |
| ¿Comés carne? | Do you eat meat? | Argentina, asked before an asado and asked seriously |
Answers for all of it:
| You want to say | Spanish | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| I work in… | Trabajo en informática. | Name the field, not the job title |
| Could you repeat that? | ¿Me lo repite, por favor? (usted) / ¿Me lo repetís? (Argentina) | |
| We’ve been together two years | Llevamos dos años juntos. | |
| We’ll see | Ya veremos. | The polite non-answer to the wedding question |
Praising the house and the food
You win goodwill here, with two sentences.
| You want to say | Mexico | Spain | Colombia | Argentina |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Your house is lovely | Qué bonita su casa. | Qué bonita tu casa. | Qué linda su casa. | Qué linda tu casa. |
| This is delicious | Está bien rico. | Está buenísimo. | Está muy rico. | Está riquísimo. |
| You cook wonderfully | Cocina usted muy rico. | Cocinas de maravilla. | Qué delicia, señora. | Cocinás bárbaro. |
| Could I have a little more? | ¿Me da un poquito más? | ¿Me pones un poco más? | ¿Me regala un poquito más? | ¿Me das un poquito más? |
| I’m full, thank you | Ya quedé lleno, gracias. | Estoy lleno, gracias. | Quedé lleno, muchas gracias. | Estoy lleno, gracias. |
| Can I help with anything? | ¿Le ayudo en algo? | ¿Te ayudo? | ¿En qué le colaboro? | ¿Te doy una mano? |
| Thank you for having me | Gracias por recibirme. | Gracias por invitarme. | Muchas gracias por todo. | Gracias por recibirme. |
Say it to the person who cooked, by name. Está riquísimo, Marta is worth more than a compliment to the room.
Take seconds. In Mexico, Colombia and Argentina, people take it as a verdict on the food if you refuse a second helping. Take a small one, then say ya no puedo más, pero estaba delicioso.
Sit through the sobremesa. La sobremesa is the hour or two of talking at the table after the plates are empty, and in Spain and Argentina it is the real event. If you get up early, it ends for everyone.
What to bring
| Mexico | Spain | Colombia | Argentina | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Safe choice | pan dulce or a dessert from a good bakery | vino or pasteles from the pastelería | flores or a dessert | el postre, or wine |
| The word for it | un detalle | un detalle | un detallito | algo para el postre |
| Flowers | fine, common for the mother | fine | very common and cheap | fine |
| Wine | fine | expected | fine | fine, and welcome at an asado |
Say it plainly at the door: Le traje un detalle (Mexico, Colombia), Os he traído esto (Spain), Te traje algo para el postre (Argentina).
Asking first is normal: ¿Llevo algo?, shall I bring something? In Argentina the answer is often traé el postre, and you should take it literally.
Timing, and how long the day is
Mexico. The main meal, la comida, runs from about two to four in the afternoon, and Sunday lunch can last until evening.
Spain. Lunch at two or three, dinner at nine or ten. A Sunday lunch that starts at two finishes, with the sobremesa, some time after six.
Colombia. El almuerzo is the big meal and it is earlier, around half past twelve or one. Evening food is lighter.
Argentina. Dinner starts at half past nine or ten at night. The Sunday asado begins at midday and the meat arrives in waves over two or three hours, so do not fill up on the first round.
Turning up twenty or thirty minutes after the stated time is normal in Mexico, Colombia and Argentina. In Spain, be roughly on time for a home meal and never early.
The goodbye
You will try to leave three times before you leave.
| You want to say | Spanish | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| We should get going | Ya nos vamos yendo. | The opening move of a long goodbye |
| Thank you for everything | Muchas gracias por todo. | |
| It was a pleasure | Un gusto conocerlos. / Encantado de conoceros. (Spain) | Plural, to the whole family |
| Take care | Que estén bien. / Cuidate. (Argentina) | |
| Get home safely | Que lleguen bien. | What they will say to you |
You will hear está usted en su casa, this is your home now. It is a real invitation to come back, and the answer is muchas gracias, muy amable.
What you will hear
| They say | It means |
|---|---|
| ¡Pase, pase! Siéntese. | Come in, come in. Sit down |
| ¿Te pongo algo? (Spain) | Can I get you something? |
| ¿Le provoca un tintico? (Colombia) | Do you fancy a coffee? |
| Servite, no te quedés con hambre. (Argentina) | Help yourself, don’t go hungry |
| No le dé pena. (Colombia) / No te dé pena. (Mexico) | Don’t be shy |
| Está en su casa. | Make yourself at home |
| Qué bien hablas español. | Your Spanish is good. Say gracias, todavía estoy aprendiendo |
| Llévate un táper. (Spain) / Te doy un tóper. (Mexico) | Take leftovers home. Say yes |
Ten sentences you can say tomorrow
- Mucho gusto, señora. ¿Cómo está usted? Nice to meet you, madam. How are you? (Mexico, Colombia)
- Hola, encantado. Gracias por invitarme. Hi, lovely to meet you. Thanks for having me. (Spain)
- Hola, ¿cómo andás? Un placer. Hi, how are you? A pleasure. (Argentina)
- Le traje un detalle. I brought you a little something. (Mexico, Colombia)
- Qué linda su casa. What a lovely home you have. (Colombia, Argentina)
- Está riquísimo. ¿Usted lo hizo? This is delicious. Did you make it?
- ¿Le ayudo a levantar la mesa? Can I help clear the table?
- Llevamos dos años juntos. We’ve been together two years.
- Perdón, mi español todavía es básico. ¿Me lo repite? Sorry, my Spanish is still basic. Could you say that again?
- Muchas gracias por todo. Un gusto conocerlos. Thank you for everything. It was a pleasure to meet you all.
Questions people ask
Do I use usted with my girlfriend’s mother? In Mexico and Colombia, yes, and keep it until she tells you otherwise. In Spain, no, use tú. In Argentina, use vos. Being one step too formal is a smaller mistake than being one step too familiar.
How many kisses do I give? One in Mexico, Colombia and Argentina. Two in Spain, right cheek first. In Argentina men kiss men as well, and most visitors are caught out by it.
Can I call them suegro and suegra? Not to their faces. Those words are for talking about them. Address them as señor and señora, then don and doña with the first name, then the first name alone once they invite it.
What do I bring to the house? Something for the table: a dessert or pan dulce in Mexico, wine or pastries in Spain, flowers or a dessert in Colombia, the dessert or a bottle in Argentina. Asking ¿llevo algo? first is polite everywhere, and in Argentina the answer is a real instruction.
Is it rude to refuse food? Refusing the first serving is fine if you say why. If you refuse a second helping outright, people take it as a comment on the cooking in Mexico, Colombia and Argentina. Take a little, then say ya no puedo más, pero estaba delicioso.
What time do I turn up? Twenty to thirty minutes after the time you were told in Mexico, Colombia and Argentina. In Spain, on time or a few minutes after, and never early. Dinner in Spain and Argentina means nine or ten at night.
Practise these words
suegro, suegra, cuñado, nuera, yerno, consuegros, padrino, sobrino, saludar, invitar, recibir, rico, agradecer. Vozelu is a free website for practising Spanish, and it has each of these. You see a sentence with one word missing, you type the word, and a native voice reads the sentence back. Practise the words on this page.